Are you too nice? 3 tips to give you back your edge

dog snarling
Being a nice person is like a superpower. On paper it seems like you have all the tools needed to make friends, gain a good reputation and become a popular well liked person.

Sadly like all superpowers it contains a big weakness, and your kryptonite is the very thing you are trying to achieve.

By trying to be too nice you are in essence giving up your powers. When you do everything in your power to please people and to avoid any possible confrontation, good or bad, you are sacrificing your true self and in the long term this could lead to a loss of respect, both from your peers and more importantly, from yourself.

So here are three way to shut down that passive, nice version of you and to become the person you’ve always wanted to be.

1. Learn to say what you mean

You know those awkward situations where you really want to say something, I mean REALLY want to say something but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. You bite you lip and hope that the moment passes. It does of course, they always do but invariably you think back to this moment, and many others like it with a feeling of disappointment.

You should have said what was on your mind.

Yet again you have avoided a possible confrontation because of what, fear or Embarrassment?

Don’t fret, most people try to avoid any kind of confrontation as to be honest, it’s usually pretty uncomfortable at the best of times. It doesn’t matter if you trying to tell someone that they about to make a big mistake or you want to tell someone how you feel about them. It’s far easier to just remain in your comfort zone and let things slide.

Maybe you were asked a specific question which requires an answer you don’t think the other person wants to hear.

‘Does my bum look big in this?’

I think we’ve all been on the receiving end of that one.

Seriously though, we think that by avoiding confrontation we are doing the noble thing. That being an agreeable person is somehow the best option.

It isn’t.

This form of passive aggressive behaviour will make people feel uncomfortable in the long run. It is an unattractive trait that pushes people away. It pushes opportunities away. It’s an invisible barrier to success.

Be the kind of person that isn’t afraid of speaking up if you think it’s needed. If you want something never be afraid of asking for it. Don’t go along with a plan if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

You have a voice, use it.

2. Start putting yourself first for a change

You may have been brought up believing in the idea that you must share and share alike, to put other people’s needs before your own and that anything that opposes this notion is deemed to be selfish.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Anyone who ever made anything of themselves in this world did so because they had a goal in mind and they went for it. They had a single mindedness that couldn’t fail to bring success. Yet many times along their journey they would have been presented with opportunities to take a back seat, to let something or someone else gain an advantage.

They ignored them.

Often when trying to gain a promotion at work you will be competing with somebody you know, maybe even a friend. If you truly want this position there can be no room for sentiment.

Successful people put themselves first in these situations.

I’m not saying you should win by any means necessary as your integrity is worth more than a cheap victory, but do everything you can, ethically and morally to gain an advantage.

Moving away from work for a moment, let’s take a look at relationships.

It says everything about your character if you want to put your partner first. To make sure they have everything they need before you pay attention to yourself, it’s the mark of a genuinely good person. But proceed with caution, there are limits.

Relationships should be 50/50. They must have an equal amount of give and take to maintain happiness and longevity. If you are giving and giving but feel like your needs are taking a back seat then you must look to change something. Take back some control and allow yourself the chance to be happy.

Everything you do in life, every change you wish to make starts inside. By being the person you want to become, you will be in a far better position to share who you are and to help others.

3. Grab those opportunities when they arise

If there is one thing you don’t want to have in your life it is regret.

The saying goes that you can only regret the things you don’t do, which is incorrect; you can regret anything that doesn’t fall in line with who you are as a person.

If your main intention is to go through life without ruffling a few feathers along the way then you are supressing your natural instinct for change. Not striking when the iron is hot is a sign that you lack confidence and when we refuse to leave our comfort zone it is as much about not wanting to upset those around us as it is a fear of the unknown.

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of worrying how your actions will affect others. You might be worried that taking that promotion might mean that your friends or family will be angry with you for not spending as much time with them as they would like. You might also be worried that becoming a success may cause some resentment towards you.

It’s totally fine to weigh up the options and to be wary of making the wrong decision but there is a difference between doing something for the right reasons and doing something out of fear.

Try not to be afraid of going for it. Don’t fight your instincts, embrace them.

Be true to yourself because if you’re not then everything else becomes a lie.

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About Jamie

Jamie is a guitar teacher and writer who hates the typical 9-5 existence. After quitting his job to enter the world of guitar tuition, he created this blog to document his thoughts and struggles as he takes on societies norms armed with nothing more than his cheeky wit and undeniable charm - Give his Facebook page a like, add him on Twitter or follow his Google+ page and he will repay you with even more awesome words!

Comments

  1. It definately is an issue a lot of people have, being ‘too nice’. I know I did but i’ve done a lot to improve that.

    The big problem is the more you ignore something, and don’t speak up, while pretending it is okay… the worse it gets and people think they can get away with anything.

    The big changes around this for me was from exploring my limiting beliefs and changing them.

    -Ben
    Ben recently posted..I’m so addicted to being addictedMy Profile

    • The trick is to be nice to others but to do it with sincerity and not out of neediness. It’s the tone more than anything. People can easily spot when you are being nice out of fear or manipulation.

  2. i like that post very much
    sometimes you lose when you become so nice that’s why its important that we learn how to become bold during certain situations
    farouk recently posted..How to earn a six figure incomeMy Profile

  3. I agree Jamie. We need to empower ourselves instead of giving it away to outside sources. All we end up doing is depleting ourselves of the energy and power we need to live the life we really want.
    Justin recently posted..Brain Evolution System ReviewMy Profile

  4. Nice post, Jamie! I agree completely that we should pursue these three things. In fact, I think that our happiness depends on it. Also, I think that we can usually combine nice with these goals. Here’s an example. I’ve been a freelance writer and editor for 15 years, and running my own business requires saying what you mean. For instance, when a writer I hired doesn’t produce what I needed, I tell them, but there’s no reason to be mean about it. Overall, it’s been my experience that I get the results I want more by being nice about it. In my business lots of people get grumpy because they make their work so personal. But really, why get all out of whack over comma-this or word-that? Thanks for sharing your great ideas!
    UpbeatBrain recently posted..Focus Close in the FogMy Profile

    • I agree, we need to detach our sense of self from the outcome. We live our lives via the process and that’s where our energies should lie.

  5. Hi!! Stumbled on your blog via the Top 50 personal development blogs link posted by Michael Hyatt. And I’m so glad I did. We think a lot alike!! Love your stuff and can’t wait to read / share!!!

    Also would love to have you guest blog post on my site someday, would totally return the favor.

    Keep up the great work – love your stuff!
    Judi

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